it really doesn’t. If you are a survivor you alway have that question in the back of your mind every time they do a pathology test. And for me I feel that Cancer is the enemy. I will never stop fighting it. I am a soldier and I will hold some one up who is fighting if they can’t do it for themselves. I will fight for them when they can’t. As long as cancer exists I will fight it. I didn’t go through all this just to get better and move on. I believe that God allowed this to happen because God knows he made me a fighter and that when I am attacked I will fight back and continue to fight back until the attacker is taken to the matt. So I fight…every chance I get I fight. I met a beautiful woman today as I was leaving the surgeon’s office and she commented on how much fun my daughter and I looked like we were having and before I knew it I had pulled her into our fun. She shared that she is just coming out of her shell. I had to stop at that moment and talk to her and share how I’ve made it through I was honest and told her that I have dropped my basket a time or two but that you can always pick it up again. Every soldier gets at least knocked down in battle but we have to get back up and get back to the fight.
I think if somebody takes the time to write on here people should actually read the posts not skim thru…recently I had some very caring people leave me comments on a post that they clearly did not read. I’m not going to single anyone out but I do see a therapist. I have never had self esteem issues until now and I have no lack of men at my door. The point of my post was how I feel about things. I have always thought I was too cute for words and now I don’t like the way things are. I repeat it has nothing to do with what any other being on earth thinks. I have a standard of beauty for myself and that is what I want back. I actually have two wonderful men who think I am the sexiest woman around. It’s me who no longer likes to walk around naked because of how it looks. I don’t look at myself through anyone’s eyes but mine. I have always said it’s called SELF ESTEEM because you get it for yourself. I am writing this post because I want people to get me…I know that there is some one out there just like me. I will not be satisfied until I look the way I want to look. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. I believe that people think I’m attractive, I was dating when I had no hair and no breasts but I want my body back I worked hard to have a barely 30 body at 45 lol. I appreciate the sentiment but until I like it, it doesn’t work. Please don’t be offended but I needed to clarify. I am Aries the ram and we don’t settle for less…we are stubborn and at time lack tact but I will have the body I want when things are said and done and that’s just all there is to it…did I mention I was stubborn? lol
so tomorrow I see my therapist and my plastic surgeon. I don’t see my gyn/onco until the first week in june to make sure everything is ok with the lady parts…well what’s left of the lady parts anyway. I’m not sure how I feel about anything lately. I mean I’m happy to be alive. But am sad because I still haven’t reached my idea of a good quality of life. I wrote a while back that I don’t recall a lot of personal happy moments since reaching adulthood so I guess life just sucks for the most part and every now and then something happens to make you appreciate it anyway…don’t know if I expressed my thought correctly but hopefully somebody gets it. I’m going to have a serious talk with my surgeon tomorrow because no matter how many people tell you how beautiful you are if you don’t feel that way when you look at yourself it means nothing. It’s called SELF esteem…you get it for yourself. I am not being vain but I worked hard to look how I looked and that’s all I want is to look as close to how I looked as I can. I don’t want to always wonder if some one is with me because they felt sorry for me…before I felt beautiful and so it didn’t matter what other people thought now I don’t feel beautiful and it still doesn’t matter what other people think. I didn’t want to be pretty for anyone else I wanted to be pretty for me and that is my goal. I’m sure it’s going to come down to dollars so maybe I get a second job when they release me back to work. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do it but I am not going to walk around unhappy with my body. I’m just not going to do it. So luckily I see my therapist after the surgeon in case things don’t go as planned and I need him to talk me off the ledge so to speak. I don’t know I guess I just have to take it one day at a time…so many things are unsure these days. So I’ve been practically begging to volunteer at this women’s center and I’m starting to wonder if they are avoiding me…I’ve been up there a few times and no response….I feel drawn to that place so it’s bothering me a bit I think I’ll make another call tomorrow….good night friends